


xviii. panic! at the disco

by tempestaurora



Series: the kids aren't alright [whumptober 2020] [18]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Break Up, Drinking, Gen, Klaus is a good brother, The world is saved in season 1 and season two didn't happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:09:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27083182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tempestaurora/pseuds/tempestaurora
Summary: Picture this, if you will: a packed club, a rave, people dressed in fishnets and leather beneath neon strobe lights, high out of their goddamn minds, and in the middle of it all, a thirteen-year-old boy with a mannequin. And Klaus, not so sober himself, having a congratulatory We Didn’t End the World! celebration, having to deal with it.
Relationships: Dolores/Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves
Series: the kids aren't alright [whumptober 2020] [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1930186
Comments: 23
Kudos: 150





	xviii. panic! at the disco

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Idk Phobia??? Panic Attack? Paranoia????? Maybe
> 
> this was more about the image of klaus finding five in a club with delores than anything else,, i did have to rush to finish this today as i'd forgotten that i didn't finish it a month ago when i started

Somehow, the world hadn’t ended.

And yet what Klaus was looking at was _certainly_ one of the four horsemen.

Picture this, if you will: a packed club, a rave, people dressed in fishnets and leather beneath neon strobe lights, high out of their goddamn minds, and in the middle of it all, a thirteen-year-old boy with a mannequin. And Klaus, not so sober himself, having a congratulatory _We Didn’t End the World!_ celebration, having to deal with it.

“I have got _so many questions_ ,” Klaus said as he approached Five.

His little-older brother was still dressed in that ridiculous Umbrella Academy uniform, with the knee-high socks and school boy shorts, twirling with the top half of a mannequin, her shirt sequinned and sparkling in the lights. Five was clearly drunk, too; he had that glazed look in his eyes, and he was willingly dancing in public. With a mannequin.

“People are looking,” Ben told him, following behind. Klaus squeezed through the crowds and Ben followed suit, despite being able to phase through, and the two of them paused just to watch as Five pressed his cheek against the mannequin’s. People were _definitely_ looking, and Klaus was pretty certain security was on its way if it wasn’t being called right now.

“I thought it was Allison’s night to babysit,” Klaus sighed. Now he’d seen Five, his brother was _his_ responsibility for the rest of the night, though Klaus could’ve sworn he wasn’t on Five Duty until Monday.

He covered the distance between them before stopping abruptly in front of Five. The mannequin’s head bumped into Klaus’ arm as they turned, making Five’s eyes flash open.

“Klaus!” he slurred. _Definitely drunk._ “What are you doing here?”

“That’s funny,” Klaus replied, “‘cause that’s exactly what I was about to ask you!”

“Oh, me?” Five asked. “I’m just dancin’.”

“Yeah, I saw that.”

“Why has he got a mannequin?” Ben asked, and Klaus took a moment to look over to the item in question, whom he could only assume had been stolen from some clothes outlet.

“Who’s this?” Klaus called over the music.

Five continued to sway gently, though the music didn’t really call for it. “This is Delores. We’ve known each other for… hm, going on thirty years now! Isn’t that right, Dolly?”

The mannequin did not respond, but Five smiled as if it had. Klaus met Ben’s ghostly gaze and considered running away from this entire situation. Five was probably so out of it he wouldn’t even remember Klaus stopping by when he was sober – but Klaus knew the kind of guilt he’d feel for leaving Five in the club, so instead he pulled on a big smile and said, “It’s nice to meet you, Delores. I’m Klaus, Five’s brother. How about the three of us head outside for some fresh air?”

Five pulled a face. “I’m havin’ fun daaaancing.”

Klaus wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “You’ll have a lot more fun where I’m taking you.”

“Where’s that?”

Klaus hesitated, then announced, “Griddy’s! For donuts!”

“I _love_ donuts,” Five whispered.

“Don’t I know it.” He steered Five towards the exit, Ben on their tail, careful to keep an eye out for security.

Outside, the cold air hit Klaus suddenly, dissipating the happy buzz he had going. Five quietened too, his hold on Delores tight.

“You know,” Klaus sighed, looking him over under the yellow streetlight, “you’re probably not allowed in clubs.”

“I’m sixty,” Five replied. “Of course I’m allowed in clubs.”

“You’re also thirteen. So, not so much—”

“This body _sucks_ ,” Five interrupted, sighing loudly. “It’s so tiny and dumb. Look.” He waved his leg around. “No leg hair at _all._ And don’t even get me started on that lady at the store not selling me alcohol—”

“Well that means she’s just doing her job,” Ben said. Klaus repeated it and Five shrugged.

“Dumb, though. Everything’s _dumb._ Delores agrees but won’t admit it, isn’t that right?” He looked at the mannequin and then paused as if _listening_ to it. “Yeah, yeah. Remain optimistic and whatever. Have you had too much to drink, Dolly? I think you’re slurring your words.” He snorted out some drunken laugh and Klaus shared another look with Ben.

Maybe, he thought, it was just like Ben; no one else could see him, but Klaus knew how real he was.

“How’d you two lovebirds meet, anyway?”

“Oh, it was back in the apocalypse,” Five said, waving a hand. “About ten years in—the only human bodies I was seeing by that point were fuckin’ skelly—skeling—skeletons, so when I saw Delores I was over the fucking _moon._ Figuratively, duh, ‘cause Vanya shot the moon right outta the sky.”

“Right.”

“It wasn’t love at first sight,” Five continued, “but we got along alright, and she’s as good as look out as any—huh? Yeah, I know, you’re handy with a knife too.” He rolled his eyes good naturedly and adjusted the mannequin in his grip.

Five and Delores seemed to chat most of the way to Griddy’s, and Klaus watched them with vague interest. Was this how he looked when he talked to Ben? He wondered what strangers were seeing when they looked at them – just two brothers and their imaginary friends?

At Griddy’s, Klaus steered Five into a booth and ordered up enough donuts for four, even though only two of them could actually eat. Two donuts were set aside, one in front of Delores and the other in front of the empty space beside Klaus. Five sobered up as he ate, but only a little, and still answered Klaus’ questions without his usual brand of unkind sarcasm.

Klaus learnt about their house in the apocalypse – four walls and no ceiling – about the farm that Five eventually got going, growing slightly mutated versions of the vegetables he remembered. He learnt about the quiet and the ashen sky and the intense, quiet loneliness. Five then spoke for ten minutes about Delores’ love of sundresses.

When Klaus went to pay at the counter, forking out a few bills he’d stolen from Diego, he looked back at the booth to find Delores there, alone. Ben was still sat opposite, their two donuts uneaten, but Five was gone.

He appeared at Klaus’ side.

“Shit! You’ve gotta stop that.” He took the receipt from the donut lady.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Okay.” Klaus started back towards the booth but Five grabbed his arm.

“Not in front of Delores.”

Klaus blinked, peering down at his tipsy little-big brother. “What’s going on?”

Five twisted his mouth to the side. “I think I’ve gotta take her back.”

“What?”

“Dolly. I gotta take her back to the department store.”

“If mall security was gonna get you for stealing her, it would’ve happen already.”

He rolled his eyes. “ _No,_ dumbass. I think I’ve gotta—break up with her.”

Klaus’ eyes bugged out of his head. It was a _mannequin._ But also, it was his brother’s wife of _forty years._ “But you’ve spent the past hour waxing poetic—”

“I love her,” Five agreed, his voice a hiss. “But she’s—I— _we’re_ not the same people. She doesn’t belong in this time – she’s a product of the apocalypse, and—”

“Alright, alright,” Klaus sighed. “Are you sure this is what you want?”

Five stared at Delores then nodded.

“Okay, then let’s take her back.”

“You’ll come with?” Klaus was struck suddenly by how young Five looked, his eyes big and hopeful. He was sixty; he was thirteen.

“I’ll come with, if you want me to—”

“Yes. Yeah. Okay. I just—don’t want to break into the store on my own again.”

“Sure, sure.”

“I got shot at last time.”

“Mall cops?”

“Time cops.”

Klaus grunted, pointed towards the table. “Would Delores mind if I ate her donut?”

Five replied, “Would Ben mind if I ate his?”

*

The department store was dark in the middle of the night. Five blinked them both inside and then waited quietly while Klaus battled through the rolling waves of nausea. When they subsided, he stood and looked out across the rows of black shadows, silhouetted clothes rails and dim spotlights scattered intermittently across the ceiling.

“You ready?” Klaus asked. Five hugged Delores tighter to him.

“No,” he admitted. Then changed his mind: “Yes.”

Ben appeared at Klaus’ side, smiling something sad. “This is weirdly sweet.”

“Maybe just weird,” Klaus whispered back. But he did agree. Five was in love with a mannequin and now he had to take her back. This was possibly one of the most important moments in his short-long life, and he’d asked Klaus to come with him for it.

“Let’s go,” he said, and started forward.

Five followed on his heels until taking the lead and directing Klaus towards a series of mannequins, posing on various platforms. “These are Dolly’s friends,” he said, gesturing towards them. In the dark, they looked a little eerie.

Five considered them, then Delores, and nodded to a spot in the centre. “She’s supposed to sit there.”

Klaus looked at the spot, as if it was supposed to answer a question he hadn’t asked, and then suddenly moved into action when he saw Ben gesturing towards it. He moved the mannequin that sat there aside, to give Delores her space, and then stepped back to watch Five set her reverently down in pride of place.

Five swayed a little as he stared at her afterwards.

“I’m sorry,” he said after a moment. “2019 is… a different time. And you’re different, here. I’m back with my family and you… you should get to be back with yours.”

Klaus rested his hand on Five’s shoulder and squeezed gently, before nodding back towards the door. Five sniffed and nodded.

“Alright. Bye Delores. Maybe I’ll come visit, if that’s alright with you?” He paused, as if listening for the answer, and then smiled. “Alright. Okay. Bye.”

Klaus led him back towards the door, watching as his little-older brother took looks over his shoulder until Delores was out of sight amongst the rails.

“You did the right thing,” Klaus said.

“You think?”

“This Delores never experienced the apocalypse,” he said. “Her home is here.”

“Yeah.” Five nodded. “Yeah. She belongs here, and I—”

“You belong at the Academy, with us.”

They stopped by the door, and Five stared up at Klaus with those big eyes. Sometimes, he just couldn’t see Five’s real age, couldn’t see past the young face and innocence of childhood.

Five asked, “Is Ben here?”

No one ever believed Klaus when he said that Ben was watching, but he nodded anyway. He had no reason to lie to Five tonight. After a moment of hesitation, he even gestured to the spot where Ben was standing, by their side.

Five stared at his brother, at the thin air. He said, “Thanks for coming with me tonight. Both of you.”

“I don’t have a choice,” Ben replied, but Klaus said, “It’s no problem, Five. We’re family, right?”

“Right.” Five then glanced upwards and sighed. “And family needs to run from the mall cops together.”

A light glowed above their heads, signalling the silent alarm had been set off, and Klaus braced himself to blink through the door.

“Better than the time cops,” he said, and the two of them flashed out of the store, Ben following right behind.

**Author's Note:**

> i know what tomorrow's fic is gonna be but i haven't,,, exactly written it yet. i don't know when i plan to either lmao,, but it's the next instalment in "ghosts"!
> 
> anyway thanks for reading, pls talk to me in the comments!


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